my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
