...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
