i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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