Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Randomize
