I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
