On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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