Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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