I'm lost and stupid without you.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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