Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
