You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Boobs speak an international language.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Im part way to drunk.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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