Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
What drink are we having for lunch?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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