i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
