I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
