You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
