News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
