I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Randomize
