Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
