My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
