i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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