My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
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