Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
