New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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