Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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