we have pet lesbian snakes
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Michael Bay diarrhea
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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