Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
