Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she smelled like a LAN party
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Someone signed my nipple.
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