why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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