I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
