I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Randomize
