she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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