So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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