I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
