are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
