I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
