I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
