so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
