I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
