apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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