I can text with my tongue
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
