your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
