You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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