you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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