Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
