the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Even my vagina gasped.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
