the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
