Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
