There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
