I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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