You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
So squirting runs in the family.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
