Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
