just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
