did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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