I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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